We said nothing would change But what I never told you was that I fell for you years ago So things did change. I'm reminding myself to be quiet Telling myself to be strong Because some of your love is more than none of your love You deserve the world The sun The moon and their stars So much more than the dirt I can offer So I'll take a step back Pour some silver nitrate on my heart Build up the walls I let crumble The moment your lips touched my neck When you told me that you would always love me I didnt realize you were saying that we could never be together... If I had I would have kissed you harder Kissed you more Touched you Ran my fingers through your hair... This girl the one you actually want I hope you can get it up for her But virgins are clingy you say Such a feeble excuse dont lie you dont need to hide the truth that im too ugly too rough too uncouth At least I own my faults
( Want to hear the song I'm listening to? ) There was this moment When gazes met over bins of apples oranges and melons When your deep brown eyes looked down at my lowly honey dew and a smile touched your lips "Those canary melons..." My heart lurched and pulse quickened Suddenly the most interesting thing in the world is the scuffed toes of my black boots "Yup...Those canary melons..." The abrasive beeping of the checkout fumbling for that extra thirty cents your calloused hand reaches over and deposits it into the hands of a cashier as flustered as I am I smile, face flaming red, and try to exit gracefully until I see your reflection in the arcade windows, following behind me I feel awkward every step making me self conscious about how my yoga pants cling to me Your cart collides with mine as I avoid a waylaid motorcart "Sorry..." "Excuse me" I can't help but notice the way the jet-powered heating system ruffles your hair As we journey separately but together through the icy wastes of the parking lot I slip and fall flat on all the parts my yoga pants are snug on you reach down to help me up your hands are warm and perfectly calloused and for a moment I can imagine what they'd feel like running down my back after a long day standing I catch the scent of you some musky cologne and the seductive hay and dank of horses ..."Thank you" I push off in an attempt at an elegant sprint only to find your little black ford parked next to my big red dodge "Do you need a hand with those?" I smack myself in the face with the door as I try and use it to hide "No..No...But thank you!" I watch you get into your little car knowing that I'll never see you again appreciating canary melons on a much deeper level than I ever had before.
Late! Late! You're always late! Even when you're early. Anxious, with shaking fingers and nicotine filled lungs The speedometer reads 80mph But time flies by more quickly In the quiet, deep dark April morning The yellowed lines a blur that stretches on for eternity. Did I remember my task list? Heading in an upward direction Life seemed to be moving with me Only positive things awaited How could you be so naive? But I worked so hard.. Eyes flash As big as the moon which hung swollen above Tawny fur leaping into motion. Don't! Its not my truck! I hit the breaks Like some scared little child Darkness And bitter cold the smell of earth and grass assailing senses Some one is crying somewhere in the distance.. Struggling, numbed by cold Digging fingers into the dirt Pulling a broken body forward In search of the woman crying in the dark "Just hang on...I'll find something warm...Help is coming" A voice, as warm as coffee flows through the heavy blackness "That woman...crying...?" I struggle to speak around hot fluid filling my throat "It was you...Now stay still.." The darkness grows heavy engulfing every sense "You don't understand, I have to call my boss!" A mask, suffocating me Some stranger speaking my name "Stay calm now, stay calm.." My father's worried face appears as the mask is lifted "You were in an accident..." Voice a whisper, forced through pain, "Can't we go have a cigarette?" A month of nurses and heavy medication My curls fall out The battle to draw breath eases Home But not my home...The family's home Tracing long scars down past my bellybutton Fighting pain just to stand Missing the way warmth felt in my left hand My will to overcome does not waiver I can overcome this. 8 long months pass by In a medicated daze.. "You're so lucky" "it could have been worse" "This girl is paralyzed..." The comparisons Meant to uplift Are heavy weights wrapping around my soul. Acceptance I do not think I can over come this I will never be who I was I am letting everyone down I flounder in self loathing The things I love are now painful echos of the past I know I must urge myself onward But the strength I had is all used up And so I sink Back into that cold April morning
There's wonder in the ordinary Depth to even the shallowest puddle And a hidden path among the thickest grasses. Little do we know How many little things we pass by Looking for that one BIG thing With which we shall weigh our own worth against. That epic love That consuming flame We all want obsession Passion A blinding light in the thickest darkness. Little do we seem to see The daisy on the side walk Growing through the cracks The kind eyes smiling Asking, "Card or cash?" Little do we appreciate The quiet moments The voice of the wind through the trees The smell of the sun on skin How full life would be if every pebble that made the mountain were seen in individual clarity If every touch was a lover's caress Or every sunset seen as unequaled art...
I find myself drowning in my own self loathing. Choking on despair.
Gasping through pain for short breaths of disgust infused air.
My vision has finally cleared though
The fog of dreams has lifted. I now know why you can’t love me. While I’m aware that you do care.
I wasn’t made to be loved
To be caressed
My edges are too sharp. My walls too thick. And my self inflicted misery carves a moat
Filled to abyss deep depths
With all of the things that haunt me.
An uglier girl had never existed.
With a pug nose and wide high set cheeks
a double chin and tiny beady little green eyes
which were lost against her pallid, scar kissed skin
She was a conglomerate of all things unappealing.
To further compound her unattractiveness
she was short and almost perfectly round
her small breasts meeting her swollen belly and melting into a shelf of a rump and thick rumpled thighs.
An uglier girl had never existed
But under all of her ugliness
From the opposite side of her squinty spectacle ridden muddy green eyes
she looked out into the world and saw only beauty
Only the best of everything.
She laughed truly
and smiled readily, despite her yellow crooked teeth.
Most of all though
She loved profusely. Every tangible thing was hers to adore
from the birds
to the trees
down to the tiny atoms that made up her huge pink eye glasses.
The world was a wonder as viewed through the eyes of a child.
The ugliest girl that had ever existed began to age
The beauty which she saw in the world around her became marred by the heaviness of day to day life
and the acute awareness she began to feel
that she was the ugliest girl that had ever existed.
How could she not compare herself to the beauty she saw around her?
To the wind that whispered through the leaves and sent the sunlight scattering over the grass?
The sigh of a bird’s wings in flight as child like it rolls and swoops and dives?
Or to her ever loyal dog, whose bright golden eyes were only made more striking by her deep brown, curled fur?
How could she look at the beauty of a sunset
and not feel plainly her own inadequacy?… How could she look in the mirror, and not begin to resent herself for it? To not begin to resent others for it?