Things I would say

We said nothing would change
But what I never told you 
was that I fell for you years ago
So things did change.

I'm reminding myself to be quiet
Telling myself to be strong
Because some of your love
is more than none of your love

You deserve the world
The sun
The moon
and their stars
So much more than the dirt I can offer

So I'll take a step back
Pour some silver nitrate on my heart
Build up the walls I let crumble
The moment your lips touched my neck

When you told me that you would always love me
I didnt realize you were saying
that we could never be together...
If I had I would have kissed you harder
Kissed you more
Touched you
Ran my fingers through your hair...

This girl
the one you actually want
I hope you can get it up for her
But virgins are clingy you say
Such a feeble excuse

dont lie
you dont need to hide the truth
that im too ugly
too rough
too uncouth

At least I own my faults



Melons and Romance

( Want to hear the song I'm listening to? )

There was this moment
When gazes met
over bins of apples oranges and melons
When your deep brown eyes
looked down at my lowly honey dew
and a smile touched your lips
"Those canary melons..."
My heart lurched
and pulse quickened
Suddenly the most interesting thing in the world
is the scuffed toes of my black boots
"Yup...Those canary melons..."

The abrasive beeping of the checkout
fumbling for that extra thirty cents
your calloused hand reaches over and deposits it
into the hands of a cashier as flustered as I am
I smile, face flaming red, and try to exit gracefully
until I see your reflection in the arcade windows, following behind me

I feel awkward
every step making me self conscious 
about how my yoga pants cling to me
Your cart collides with mine as I avoid a waylaid motorcart
"Sorry..."
"Excuse me"
I can't help but notice the way the jet-powered heating system ruffles your hair

As we journey separately but together through the icy wastes of the parking lot
I slip
and fall flat on all the parts my yoga pants are snug on
you reach down to help me up
your hands are warm and perfectly calloused
and for a moment I can imagine what they'd feel like
running down my back after a long day
standing I catch the scent of you
some musky cologne and the seductive hay and dank of horses
..."Thank you"

I push off in an attempt at an elegant sprint
only to find
your little black ford
parked next to my big red dodge
"Do you need a hand with those?"
I smack myself in the face with the door as I try and use it to hide
"No..No...But thank you!"

I watch you get into your little car
knowing that I'll never see you again
appreciating canary melons
on a much deeper level
than I ever had before.


That Cold April Morning

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Late!
Late! You're always late!
Even when you're early.

Anxious, with shaking fingers and nicotine filled lungs
The speedometer reads 80mph
But time flies by more quickly
In the quiet, deep dark April morning
The yellowed lines a blur that stretches on for eternity.
Did I remember my task list?

Heading in an upward direction
Life seemed to be moving with me
Only positive things awaited
How could you be so naive?
But I worked so hard..

Eyes flash
As big as the moon which hung swollen above
Tawny fur leaping into motion.
Don't! Its not my truck!
I hit the breaks
Like some scared little child

Darkness 
And bitter cold
the smell of earth
and grass assailing senses
Some one is crying somewhere in the distance..
Struggling, numbed by cold
Digging fingers into the dirt
Pulling a broken body forward
In search of the woman crying in the dark

"Just hang on...I'll find something warm...Help is coming"
A voice, as warm as coffee flows through the heavy blackness
"That woman...crying...?" 
I struggle to speak around hot fluid filling my throat
"It was you...Now stay still.."
The darkness grows heavy
engulfing every sense
"You don't understand, I have to call my boss!"

A mask, suffocating me
Some stranger speaking my name
"Stay calm now, stay calm.."
My father's worried face appears as the mask is lifted
"You were in an accident..."
Voice a whisper, forced through pain,
"Can't we go have a cigarette?"
A month of nurses
and heavy medication
My curls fall out
The battle to draw breath eases

Home
But not my home...The family's home
Tracing long scars down past my bellybutton
Fighting pain just to stand
Missing the way warmth felt in my left hand
My will to overcome does not waiver
I can overcome this.

8 long months pass by
In a medicated daze..
"You're so lucky"
"it could have been worse"
"This girl is paralyzed..."
The comparisons
Meant to uplift
Are heavy weights wrapping around my soul.

Acceptance
I do not think I can over come this
I will never be who I was
I am letting everyone down
I flounder in self loathing
The things I love are now painful echos of the past
I know I must urge myself onward
But the strength I had is all used up
And so I sink
Back into that cold April morning





			

Little things…

There's wonder in the ordinary
Depth to even the shallowest puddle
And a hidden path among the thickest grasses.

Little do we know
How many little things we pass by
Looking for that one BIG thing
With which we shall weigh our own worth against.

That epic love
That consuming flame
We all want obsession
Passion
A blinding light in the thickest darkness.

Little do we seem to see
The daisy on the side walk
Growing through the cracks
The kind eyes smiling
Asking, "Card or cash?"

Little do we appreciate
The quiet moments
The voice of the wind through the trees
The smell of the sun on skin

How full life would be
if every pebble that made the mountain
were seen in individual clarity
If every touch was a lover's caress
Or every sunset seen as unequaled art...





I understand

I find myself drowning in my own self loathing. Choking on despair.
Gasping through pain for short breaths of disgust infused air.

My vision has finally cleared though
The fog of dreams has lifted. I now know why you can’t love me.  While I’m aware that you do care.

I wasn’t made to be loved
To be caressed
My edges are too sharp. My walls too thick. And my self inflicted misery carves a moat
Filled to abyss deep depths
With all of the things that haunt me.

Self Loathing

An uglier girl had never existed.
With a pug nose and wide high set cheeks
a double chin and tiny beady little green eyes
which were lost against her pallid, scar kissed skin
She was a conglomerate of all things unappealing.
To further compound her unattractiveness
she was short and almost perfectly round
her small breasts meeting her swollen belly and melting into a shelf of a rump and thick rumpled thighs.
An uglier girl had never existed
But under all of her ugliness
From the opposite side of her squinty spectacle ridden muddy green eyes
she looked out into the world and saw only beauty
Only the best of everything.
She laughed truly
and smiled readily, despite her yellow crooked teeth.
Most of all though
She loved profusely. Every tangible thing was hers to adore
from the birds
to the trees
down to the tiny atoms that made up her huge pink eye glasses.
The world was a wonder as viewed through the eyes of a child.
The ugliest girl that had ever existed began to age
The beauty which she saw in the world around her became marred by the heaviness of day to day life
and the acute awareness she began to feel
that she was the ugliest girl that had ever existed.
How could she not compare herself to the beauty she saw around her?
To the wind that whispered through the leaves and sent the sunlight scattering over the grass?
The sigh of a bird’s wings in flight as child like it rolls and swoops and dives?
Or to her ever loyal dog, whose bright golden eyes were only made more striking by her deep brown, curled fur?

How could she look at the beauty of a sunset
and not feel plainly her own inadequacy?…                                         How could she look in the mirror, and not begin to resent herself for it?           To not begin to resent others for it?